Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Feeling of Being Alone and Useless

Dear insansapinas,
I had just closed my eyes to have a shuteye when the phone rang. Again. It was a friend from the university. 

One of our colleagues passed away. Darn, why am I getting the bad news?

He broke his heart when his wife of many years contracted Alzheimer's and was sent to a nursing home for better care  and attention. He missed their only son who has already a family of his own and had decided to migrate in Europe.

His house in an upscale neighborhood was an empty nest of antiques, Persian carpets and Lalique crystal. It was a place where I used to go when I wanted to eat with someone who has a dscriminating taste for food and drinks. The couple was a perfect host for a small gathering.

His teaching in the university was not motivated by money. He had money of his own when he retired from a previous profession.  He handled three subjects only--enough not to tire himself but gave him unexplainable pleasure of being able to contribute to the molding of the youth to become responsible citizens.

That semester, he got another bad news. He was not given a teaching assignment just because the Dean was questioning his loyalty in a very factious group.

He realized that it was pure vindictiveness if not an emotional blackmail to become subservient to the whims  of the  Dean. He felt he lost his usefulness when he had nowhere to go everyday but his small garden.  He felt so all alone that he questioned the purpose of getting up in the morning just to remain in his favorite lounging pants the whole day and retire to the cold bed in the evening.  He missed his teaching colleagues and his students.

One day, he was found dead for more than 24 hours inside the bathroom. Stroke. 

My friend told me that he died lonely and bitter.

I felt the rage towards the Dean because I know her personally. I was the instrument in hiring her as an instructor. She had gone a long way from a shy new graduate  to a  conniving bitch to those who have powers. Long before she came to the university, the old male colleague was already a regular faculty member.

  Our road will cross again.



biyay said...

so sorry for the loss of your friend. loneliness is indeed a sad, sad thing. I had a boss who was like your dean. looking back, i was glad i got out of that office early on.

cathy said...

indeed. my old male friend/faculty was one who was already a loner when i was still there. but the camaraderie of my own group made him open up.

para bang nagbukas na ang personality niya and came out of his comfort zone tapos nagsara ulit. he got afraid when he went back to his own cave.

Twilight Zone said...

sigh, being alone and useless....
nakakarelate ako.... akoy isang alone and useless jejeje.

more than a decade alone,
sabi nila takot daw akos a comitment at responsibility, mga ungas kako kayo,
alam nyo na ngang walang annulment samin e at pag akoy nagasawa ulit e akoy makikick in the ass
and thats not gonna be happen to me,i dont want to be kicked out bilang isang blind sheep (sabi nung iba jejeje) akoy talagang sheep in many ways...

sabi nung bro ko, twing my frend silang darating at makita ang kaisa isang picture ko sa album nila (sa wedding nila) sabi nya...

"black sheep namin"

oh, by the way, i was borh under year of the sheep (eh anu ngayon?)

"akoy kabilang daw sa "blind sheep"

type ko rin ng "kalderetang sheep"

(teka, nasa topic pa ba ako?)

Twilight Zone said...

sigh, naku mam, being alone saking part ay di naman sana malaking problema, kung nagkaron lang sana ko ng matinong asawa e di sanay di puro pera kolang
ang nagagastos kong pang shopping.
my nagbibigay sana sakin ng pang shopping at di yung
puro pera ko nalang diba?

but being alone sometime naman e my konting disadvantages pero mas maraming advantages,so
mas lamang parin ang advantage,
pero ayoko namang matodas ng alone sa CR...
bibitbitin ka ng mga paramedics na naka bold asus!
yuuuuk, makikita nila ko naka bold... daming tatoo sa buong katawan hahahahahahahaha.
(kaya naman pala)

cathy said...

ako ayoko na ng commitment. okay lang sa akin ang alone. at least wala akong ipagluluto at lalaitin ang niluto ko. babaw ko noh?

rally vincent said...

gawd *tears*

lungkot naman. mawalan ka na ng pera wag lang sense of purpose.

baket ba merong mga taong ang bilis lumimot kapag nakakahawak na ng kapangyarihan?? oh well...

buti na lang sa amin madam cat, proud ako sa mga faculty colleagues ko. kasi magkakaiba man kami ng ugali at opinion, we still unite as a group. ginagalang na lang namin ang opinion ng bawat isa given the fact na may kanya-kanya kaming understanding sa mga nangyayari sa mundong ito.

di nga lang minsan maiwasan na may mga echuserang froglet katulad ng dean na yun. hayzzz...