Motherhood (excerpt form the poem of Joaquin Miller)
The bravest battle that ever was fought!
Shall I tell you where and when?
On the maps of the world you will find it not;
‘Twas fought by the mothers of men.Nay not with the cannon of battle-shot,
With a sword or noble pen;
Nay, not with eloquent words or thought
From mouth of wonderful men!But deep in a walled-up woman’s heart –
Of a woman that would not yield,
But bravely, silently bore her part –
Lo, there is the battlefield!
I felt fear rising in me. Is it already due? I hope it isn’t. Yet. There were no diapers and baby clothes…no nursing bottles.
I was only given allowance for school and nothing more. I can’t complain.Besides no one help me prepared for the coming of a newborn. I was quite busy too… cramming for exams,… postponing things that I could do during semestral and school break. There was only a week left before the semester ends. Only a few more weeks to pursue my plan.At this time of the year, we were abandoned again by the sister-in-law. I can’t blame her. The husband was too kind to me. I felt jealousy when the man as treating me like a small sister that he never had. They’re childless too. Another younger brother stayed in the house and helped in the rent. After school, I decided to walk in the emergency room of the hospital which was just a few blocks away from our place.
I had never consulted an obstetrician-gynecologist. I did not have the time ad money. I left a note at home.A very friendly medical intern examined me. He was “shopping” for the last childbirth case before he graduates. I was his last case. He assured me that I will be given the tenderest loving care. I protested that it was not time yet. He called the doctor…must be his adviser and they talked. When he came back, he was grinning from ear to ear. He was happy on the thought that he was graduating . And for that he said that I would be alone in the labor room/delivery room. I was like a guinea pig…monitored for every movement, pain and groans. He was chronicling it. He even offered to make a sketch of me while my face is not distorted yet. I felt that there was already a distortion…his sense of humor. Pains had subsided and did not come back not until after a few hours. I was suffering in silence and except for the facial and mouth grimaces; there were no other signs of the agony of pre-birthing. That was the time when I learned how to endure pain thru mental conditioning. I imagined beautiful things. I imagined graduating in College…then working in an air-conditioned office…buying a house…a car.
It was the contractions that pulled me back to reality. They’re coming in short intervals. By the next few hours, he had given me something for the excruciating pain. I slipped into trance-like state. The doctor came and went. Did I hear her reprimand the medical intern? I heard something like premature rhytmic reathing exercises that he asked me to do. It would exhaust me. By the time I delivered, I was already too tired because of pushing and breathing out. My mouth was dried. I heard the cry of the baby and felt a small body placed across my chest.That was the time I felt he was real to me. I‘ve been hearing from the old people that the moment, you see your baby the first time, you will forget all the aches and pains. What you will see is a new life, a new hope and a beautiful creature from your womb. And it is true.Before I fell into a long slumber, I remember my last thought. Change of plan. I can’t leave my baby.
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